Reflections

…Of a Peaceful Month.
The Month of May, will always mark the spot in time that I wiped the steam off the mirror of my daily existence here. This has been such a stress-free time that I had to sit back and reflect on why I have been so happy. What changes have come to me this month that has been different from the months proceeding it? Have I changed my hair color again? No. Have I been logging my run mileage again? No.
Much has to do with the fact that I no longer have to pack up a suit case and prepare for another business trip. That in its self have taken a lot off of my shoulders. No, it’s more than that. I haven’t felt this free since the months that I was pregnant with Anna. I can mark the exact time, and the event that set my soul adrift here. What I should have done was to let it go and go on about my happiness and enjoy my family and my time with my family.
And I had. I enjoy my family. I enjoy the time that I have with them and the chance to grow with them. I enjoy watching my kids grow up and start the next phase in their journeys.
But my soul was in shambles because I wanted to prove a point. I wanted to fit in on a job that my heart wasn’t in to begin with.
I associated with people that I would never have associated with all with the attempt to fit in. I smiled and pretended that surely they were not whispering about me. Whispering about my family. Even when the truth was in front of me time and time again…. I looked the other way. I figured that once they got to know me; know my story, they would realize that I was not the rumours. I stood on my convictions.
I was not happy here. Not because of my “bi-polar” ways as was stated…. I was unhappy because I had constantly chased after approval from a group of people whose hearts were black, whose hands were dirty and whose only concern was to appear to be the best, but not doing the work of people who are the best.

No one lived in honesty here – including me. Because had I been honest with myself, I wouldn’t have cared one bit what others thought about me, or what others said about me. Had I been honest with myself, I would not have been so offended at the lack of compassion I received throughout my miracle pregnancy and delivery.
If your first thought about some one’s ill child is ……”glad it isn’t me” and not “I pray for the child and the family” how could I expect any understanding for ANY part of my story.

Am I a difficult person to Love? Yes…
But I know Love when I see it, and when I love….I love.

My friends love me. I have no doubt about that. If I never meet another person in my profession that whats to be around me…. That’s fine. Because in the month of May I realized that if this profession has a “secret club” that allows some in and keep others out, I want to be left out.
As I watched my son receive his High School Diploma I realized that I am a parent of an adult. High School ways, High School days are over.
As I watch the news every morning, I realize that life is short….. and getting shorter. I need to stand by my convictions.
If I never have another “friend” from my profession…. That is quite alright, because I love the friends that I do have. And they Love me.
They love my messy house,
They love my stinky dog,
They love me when I’m 180lbs,
They love me when I’m 145lbs.
They love my story
and I love theirs.

I have no problem separating personal from professional. When I’m accused of not “carrying my own”, from people that do not strive for excellence, that’s professional. When I’m prepared- while others skate by- that’s professional. When I’m accused of not putting my profession over my family- and have not backed down from any obligations because of family obligations- while others have- that’s professional. If others receive credit for work I’ve done; and silently taken the praise- that’s professional.

I set out to prove my value..
and I’m happy to report….
I am a value…
..and I don’t have to compromise my values to fit in.
I don’t have to fit in to get the job done.
And my enemies needs to stay far away….. because I only allow my friends to get close.
I’m happy because spring cleaning your home is good. It’s therapeutic. It’s needed.
But sweeping off your Platform and cleaning up your soul——- will save your life.

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