I’m still here. Grief is an awkward thing. Somedays, i feel fine. I see the goodness in the world again. The swaying of the leaves on the trees, the birds flying in the sky, the love of others reflected towards me. On those days, I think that all is well once again and that I am learning to live with this pain of loss.
But then there are the dark days. The constant asking “why?”. Why him? why then? Why me? I know that it serves no purpose to dwell on things that cannot be answered in this lifetime. Sometimes it is hard to keep my mind from replaying what I can only imagine happened that night.
Through this all, I’ve come to have a clearer picture of those around me. The people in my life. The people in my past and those I hope to meet in the future. A lot of people don’t know how to be around me. They can’t handle the sadness that seems to constantly be in my eyes. Even when I’m smiling, there is that pain that hovers in my soul. It will not go away. Although I’m learning to live with it, some stay away from me because of it. And that is fine. I don’t expect others that do not have this pain, to understand this pain. I hold nothing against them. I’m happy that they don’t know this pain. That pain is my pain. I choose to keep distance from those who cannot handle my grief. No judgment. We all have our lives to live. We all do the best that we can.
I also see the people in my life that weather my grief with me. When I’m quiet, they sit quietly with me. When I cry, they cry with me. On my happy days, they are happy for me because they see the growth in me. They see that although I am still very sad, I’m moving in a positive direction. No judgement, just understanding. Just compassion. Just love. These friends, I keep close because I realize that life is fleeting and you hold on to those who hold on to you.
Grief in a child is complicated. What appears to be bad behavior could be masking the sadness of losing someone once adored. Talkback may be the child not knowing how to express the hurt and the fear of not being heard. Or maybe one day, losing their voice. It is hard for some children to reign in their complicated emotions and it is up to the adults around that child to show some compassion. Show some understanding. Show some love.
It is hard to be a compassionate person in today’s society. We are surrounded by the “what’s in it for me” mentality. What IS in it for you? Well… I believe that showing lovingkindness and compassion has a boomerang effect. It comes back to you in your time of need. It shows others around you what lovingkindness looks like and in turn they become more loving and kind towards you and towards others. We are all in this together. Some just do not understand that. No judgement. Just love and understanding.