It’s hard to get back into putting my thoughts on paper. I’ve kept my feelings in for so long now, that it almost feels normal. I guess that this is the new normal everyone pushes at me. There is a line in time….. I call it before the event and after the event. And looking at it as an “event” is not me stepping back from the pain, it is me trying not to fall apart every time I think of the pain.
Before, life was carefree. Everything was going as it should. I was happy, life was happy. I could easily laugh at something that I perceived to be funny. I could open up to others at will. I always had a goal that I strived towards. I was thankful and thoughtful. I believed that only good would come to me.
After, I’m more bitter. Happiness is more fleeting. Laughing is more difficult. Yes, the sun is still shinning, however, it doesn’t seem to shine as bright. I forget what it was like to laugh at will and not feel some kind of way— should I be laughing? Does laughing mean that I am forgetting?
I know that I can never forget. And there is the problem. I don’t feel complete. It’s like my soul is searching, I spend time wondering…. where is he? Where is he? Seems like a simple question. But there in lies the pain. Because, really, who knows if I will ever be complete again. There will always be a hole in my heart.
I miss him. And I’m trying to hold on.