This is so sad!!!
- he wants help but he doesn’t want anyone to change his mind
On a day, much like any other day, I walk though a field of wild flowers. I have yet to stop and take in the multiple colors of what is before me. I had yet to notice the pink and purple of the coneflowers, nor did I care for the deep orange of the Tickseeds. So focused am I on the things that are not there. Lost in thoughts, lost in life, lost in love. Just lost.
As I walk with my head bent low, I think back on what brought me here to begin with. Why this field? Why this path? Why this life? As I walk on, the wind refused to leave me alone. I did not want to feel.—Not true—I only wanted to feel the pain I lived in for years now. For years, I’ve refused to look beyond the pain. As if a badge the harder and the thighter I held, there was no chance of letting any of the memories go. My pain, my heartache, my sadness, my badge. But that wind on my face, refused to leave me be. The sway of the wild flowers refused to stand still! Back and forth they swayed, forcing me to acknowledge not only their beauty, but the movement that mimic and opening sonata of a beautiful symphony. And for the first time in years, I heard it! I felt it. I saw it!
As I reached down to touch a pedal, in the corner of my eye, I perceived a movement. A shadow really. I turned and it was then I saw you. You, not as you were, but as I perceived you are. A light, a form. A memory. A dream. That hole in my heart I had yet to fill. No matter how I tried to fill it. That wind on my face, became a voice in my head, it said “my choices are my own.I knew your love, I feel it now and it is and has always been amazing. I chose to go. why is my choice to keep, but know that your love and acceptance was what kept me so long.I’m here. I here is where I’ll be when you whisper my name. But you need to turn around.”
And I turned: and i heard, “mom, mom, I need you.” Annissa? I woke to hear my babygirl calling out to me. I cross the hall to find my girl dancing in front of her full length mirror. “what are you doing?” i ask. “It’s for Tik Tok mom, come on.” “OK” I say, “start from the beginning”
Sam Smith helping me get back in shape.
My treadmill has not logged much miles lately. It’s time to make good on this purchase. I have made a commitment to walk a few miles daily. It’s time to get reenergized.
Sam Smith just happens to be on my playlist. “Diamonds” is so touching. I feel for him.
The past is the past
how can I move on while you’re calling?
Life is hard when you care too much.
Life is hard when you feel too much.
Others know how kind your heart is and they take advantage of that kindness.
Then sees that Kindness as weakness.
Giving youself to others who only want to take what they can get from you is heartbreaking.
The trick in life is to stop.. Stop feeing guilty for the blessings that you have. Stop feeling sorry for others that do not have.
Because in reality, they have. They would just rather just spend your money than spend their own.
It seems that in with world. People do not care if they are taking advantage of others as long as they get what they want.
Ask yourself, who is there for you? If you needed something from someone else, would they be there for you? More liklely than not, they have other things to do. You have concern for others, yet the others have no concern for you.
It’s a trip.
It is OK to say NO. It is OK to enjoy your blessings. It is OK to not care.
You are not a bad person if you put yourself first.
You deserve to be kind to yourself. You do not have to take others problems on as your own.
Believe me, they don’t care that much about you.
I’m sitting here thinking about inspiration
I’m sitting here wondering what’s next
I’m looking to you, expecting you to bring out my best.
You inspire my dedication, you inspire my motativation
without you I’m lacking direction.
Sometimes when you love yourself, you realize that holding on to old pain is pointless. The best thing to do is to let it all go once and for all. I’ve come to the fork in the road that demands that I let go of all the shit that I’ve been through in the past. It means that I have to take an honest look at the people in my life that has not been there for my best interest and to finally let them go. And I have. It might have taken years for me to get to the point that I realize that some people hang around not because they have any concern for me, but because they want to keep tabs on me. It makes them feel better about themselves to think that they may still have some small hold on me. Guess what? You have no hold on me. You didn’t then and you don’t now. The only difference it that I am aware of that fact now. It is okay that some people do not like me. I don’t like them. There is nothing to feel guilty about. What I should have said years ago was… Fuck you!! You had no right to treat me the way that you did. I always had the right to say Fuck you!! But because I was so sweet and so nice, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Even when you were tearing me down. Even when you participated in harassment. I was too nice to call you out. Well guess what……. Fuck you.
Letting go of old hurts is so refreshing. Saying Fuck you is better than years of therapy.