Drowning Shadows

We all have shadows.  How do you handle yours?

Me… I drown shadows by facing them. Feeling the emotion, then moving on.

But some shadows I hold on to…. There is a thin line between pain and pleasure. Although we tend to avoid the pain, think about this– what if we never get another chance to feel as deeply as we did when we were getting hurt?  Is feeling better than not feeling?

Embrace your shadows…. I know that I do.

My life— a Poem, written by me

My life,

I sit across from you and wonder..

what are your thoughts..

if I told you what was on my mind

would you be lost

lost in a fantasy, destined to never be

lost in a reality that may not include me

or would you take a chance…..

and breathe

and finally let it go…

reach out…for once…into an unknown

and discover a place where water flows,

where music fills the soul

where hanging on…brings more sensation….

Than letting go…

Where breathing in….. then breathing out..

Brings a place that turns your world inside out.

Where inside out feels right.

those  waves lasts all night.

And the music turns into light.

You’ve been there…..right?

 

i hear the things you refuse to say

you hide behind your silence

but that does not hide it…

don’t hide the beautiful words

..you might as well try it….

Say what you have to say..

The words destined to fade away

But the feelings remains

Regrets

Regrets…..such a sad word. To look back, and feel pain for some action, some thought, some missed opportunity. regret.

How sad it is to live life in a state of regret. How could you possibly achieve a state of happiness if you constantly have a gray cloud above your head— named regret? There are so many things that I regret in life. And letting go of those regrets will be the only way out of true darkness.

Regret #1 —- Long ago, I hurt a friend. In the most hurtful way — to love what was not mine to love.  I don’t regret the love (is there regret in love?)—I regret the carelessness of not thinking about the outcome.

Regret #2—- Long ago, I could have walked away; I could have let it go; I could have said no more.  I didn’t– and years later, I based my self worth on the opinions of those who bear no thought, no love, no understanding of who I really am.  By not letting go, and holding on to others views of their projections of me, I took on those projections and became who they believed me to be. I believed them. They were, and are still, wrong.  I define who I am.

Regret #3— more recently, I lost what was most precious. I was careless with my words, with my time, with my life. I lived as if I would live forever. but was I really living? was I really loving? This lost destroyed me. i realize that nothing, nothing is more important that living authentically. Being true to you and respecting time. Using the time not for myself, but to express the love i have towards others.

I have been blessed. But with blessings come accountably. There are no do-overs. How could I be so careless? I was careless with his heart.

So, where have I been?

It’s hard to get back into putting my thoughts on paper.  I’ve kept my feelings in for so long now, that it almost feels normal.  I guess that this is the new normal everyone pushes at me.  There is a line in time….. I call it before the event and after the event.  And looking at it as an “event” is not me stepping back from the pain, it is me trying not to fall apart every time I think of the pain.

Before, life was carefree. Everything was going as it should. I was happy, life was happy. I could easily laugh at something that I perceived to be funny. I could open up to others at will. I always had a goal that I strived towards. I was thankful and thoughtful. I believed that only good would come to me.

After, I’m more bitter.  Happiness is more fleeting. Laughing is more difficult. Yes, the sun is still shinning, however, it doesn’t seem to shine as bright. I forget what it was like to laugh at will and not feel some kind of way— should I be laughing? Does laughing mean that I am forgetting?

I know that I can never forget. And there is the problem. I don’t feel complete. It’s like my soul is searching, I spend time wondering…. where is he? Where is he?  Seems like a simple question.  But there in lies the pain. Because, really, who knows if I will ever be complete again. There will always be a hole in my heart.

I miss him.  And I’m trying to hold on.

Library

Having the love of books is what is getting out of my depressive state.  Something that started in childhood has become an anchor that is slowly bringing me back to life.

I’m not saying that the love of my family and friends shadows in my obsessions for my books, I would not have pulled through if it wasn’t for my husband and children. I’m saying that I could open a book and lose myself in someone else’s reality. If only for a little while. During that time, I could reevaluate my own reality.

The truth is, I miss him more than words can say. But I feel that it is time to start moving forward. It’s time to reach for the things that brought me pleasure in the past. It doesn’t mean that I love him any less, it means that I love him enough to stop dying in my grief.

I guess that it helped that I’ve started attending a group called “grief share.”  I say that there are others out there that shares my pain, and for one night a week, we meet and help each other through this hard time.

But back to the books in my library….. at last count, i have over 4,000 volumes. That may seem overwhelming to some, but to me, it brings comfort.  I love to share my love of books with the people in my life that loves books as well.

 

 

 

This is the view of my library. The love of books has always been with me and it gives me comfort. I hope that when baby girl gets older, she will start to reach for some books in the library and that we will have the opportunity to unite in a common love.

Epic Novels

IMG_0042

For a few weeks now, I have been distracting myself and my thoughts by rearranging and organizing my bookshelves.  It has been a few years since I’ve updated my Delicious Library to reflect what books I have in my library and the total amount of books I have all together.  I am currently at 1,800 physical books (Hardcover and Softcover). I am far from finished and I believe the total count will be about 2,500.

So… Why do I have so many books?  What does it do for me to keep shelves and shelves of books that I may never get to? Is it a true sign of craziness? I personally don’t know anyone else with as many books. Or even the desire to have so many in their home.  I mean, there are libraries around, right?

I have always loved books.  I love the written word.  I can learn about almost anything and at my own pace.  I love having the option to reach for a book according to what mood I am in at any time.  Fiction, non-fiction, it doesn’t matter to me.  There is so much knowledge out there and i wish that I could learn it all. Impossible I know, but it is fun trying. I feel that I’m moving forward when I start to research in a new area.  To me it’s exciting. Sometimes overwhelming. But more exciting.

Recently, I have had a passion for books with over 1,000 pages.  Don’t ask me why, but I just want to get lost in a thick book for a few days at a time. The books that I have chosen are:

Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth

The Recognitions by William Gaddis

The Executioner’s Song by Norman Mailer

IMG_1944This should keep my mind busy for a while :-).  Of this selection, I will start with A Suitable Boy .

I haven’t really gotten back into running and I don’t know if I really will ever get back into it. I will revisit that when my health gets a little better.  There are other things that I am looking to do to help me get over my sadness. For the most part, it seems to be working.

Live, Laugh, Love

Skyy

Love and Understanding

I’m still here.  Grief is an awkward thing.  Somedays, i feel fine. I see the goodness in the world again. The swaying of the leaves on the trees, the birds flying in the sky, the love of others reflected towards me.  On those days, I think that all is well once again and that I am learning to live with this pain of loss.

But then there are the dark days. The constant asking “why?”.  Why him? why then? Why me?  I know that it serves no purpose to dwell on things that cannot be answered in this lifetime.  Sometimes it is hard to keep my mind from replaying what I can only imagine happened that night.

Through this all, I’ve come to have a clearer picture of those around me. The people in my life.  The people in my past and those I hope to meet in the future. A lot of people don’t know how to be around me.  They can’t handle the sadness that seems to constantly be in my eyes. Even when I’m smiling, there is that pain that hovers in my soul.  It will not go away. Although I’m learning to live with it, some stay away from me because of it.  And that is fine.  I don’t expect others that do not have this pain, to understand this pain.  I hold nothing against them.  I’m happy that they don’t know this pain. That pain is my pain.  I choose to keep distance from those who cannot handle my grief. No judgment.  We all have our lives to live. We all do the best that we can.

I also see the people in my life that weather my grief with me.  When I’m quiet, they sit quietly with me.  When I cry, they cry with me. On my happy days, they are happy for me because they see the growth in me. They see that although I am still very sad, I’m moving in a positive direction. No judgement, just understanding. Just compassion. Just love. These friends, I keep close because I realize that life is fleeting and you hold on to those who hold on to you.

Grief in a child is complicated. What appears to be bad behavior could be masking the sadness of losing someone once adored. Talkback may be the child not knowing how to express the hurt and the fear of not being heard. Or maybe one day, losing their voice. It is hard for some children to reign in their complicated emotions and it is up to the adults around that child to show some compassion.  Show some understanding. Show some love.

It is hard to be a compassionate person in today’s society. We are surrounded by the “what’s in it for me” mentality. What IS in it for you?  Well… I believe that showing lovingkindness and compassion has a boomerang effect. It comes back to you in your time of need. It shows others around you what lovingkindness looks like and in turn they become more loving and kind towards you and towards others.  We are all in this together. Some just do not understand that. No judgement. Just love and understanding.

Peace on the Lake

IMG_0876
Lake view
IMG_0880
backyard view
IMG_0868
hubby on the lake

My new happy place is our lake house.  I get up each morning to the most peaceful view.  Sometimes I see the birds flying close to the waters and ripples that they leave behind brings peace to my soul.

I am constantly going through the waves of grief. I wonder when, or even if, this will ever go away.  I barely remember the times before this pain. Sometimes the sun shines through and I seem to “forget” that I am sad. Then it hits lame again.  He’s really gone.  Not to come back.  All that I have are memories of a different time.  A million years ago.

But the sun is getting through. I know that there are many blessings in my life.  I have to grab hold of that fact and keep getting better.

IMG_0847