On a day, much like any other day, I walk though a field of wild flowers. I have yet to stop and take in the multiple colors of what is before me. I had yet to notice the pink and purple of the coneflowers, nor did I care for the deep orange of the Tickseeds. So focused am I on the things that are not there. Lost in thoughts, lost in life, lost in love. Just lost.
As I walk with my head bent low, I think back on what brought me here to begin with. Why this field? Why this path? Why this life? As I walk on, the wind refused to leave me alone. I did not want to feel.—Not true—I only wanted to feel the pain I lived in for years now. For years, I’ve refused to look beyond the pain. As if a badge the harder and the thighter I held, there was no chance of letting any of the memories go. My pain, my heartache, my sadness, my badge. But that wind on my face, refused to leave me be. The sway of the wild flowers refused to stand still! Back and forth they swayed, forcing me to acknowledge not only their beauty, but the movement that mimic and opening sonata of a beautiful symphony. And for the first time in years, I heard it! I felt it. I saw it!
As I reached down to touch a pedal, in the corner of my eye, I perceived a movement. A shadow really. I turned and it was then I saw you. You, not as you were, but as I perceived you are. A light, a form. A memory. A dream. That hole in my heart I had yet to fill. No matter how I tried to fill it. That wind on my face, became a voice in my head, it said “my choices are my own.I knew your love, I feel it now and it is and has always been amazing. I chose to go. why is my choice to keep, but know that your love and acceptance was what kept me so long.I’m here. I here is where I’ll be when you whisper my name. But you need to turn around.”
And I turned: and i heard, “mom, mom, I need you.” Annissa? I woke to hear my babygirl calling out to me. I cross the hall to find my girl dancing in front of her full length mirror. “what are you doing?” i ask. “It’s for Tik Tok mom, come on.” “OK” I say, “start from the beginning”