The Dream

The Dream

On a day, much like any other day, I walk though a field of wild flowers. I have yet to stop and take in the multiple colors of what is before me. I had yet to notice the pink and purple of the coneflowers, nor did I care for the deep orange of the Tickseeds. So focused am I on the things that are not there. Lost in thoughts, lost in life, lost in love. Just lost.

As I walk with my head bent low, I think back on what brought me here to begin with. Why this field? Why this path? Why this life? As I walk on, the wind refused to leave me alone. I did not want to feel.—Not true—I only wanted to feel the pain I lived in for years now. For years, I’ve refused to look beyond the pain. As if a badge the harder and the thighter I held, there was no chance of letting any of the memories go. My pain, my heartache, my sadness, my badge. But that wind on my face, refused to leave me be. The sway of the wild flowers refused to stand still! Back and forth they swayed, forcing me to acknowledge not only their beauty, but the movement that mimic and opening sonata of a beautiful symphony. And for the first time in years, I heard it! I felt it. I saw it!

As I reached down to touch a pedal, in the corner of my eye, I perceived a movement. A shadow really. I turned and it was then I saw you. You, not as you were, but as I perceived you are. A light, a form. A memory. A dream. That hole in my heart I had yet to fill. No matter how I tried to fill it. That wind on my face, became a voice in my head, it said “my choices are my own.I knew your love, I feel it now and it is and has always been amazing. I chose to go. why is my choice to keep, but know that your love and acceptance was what kept me so long.I’m here. I here is where I’ll be when you whisper my name. But you need to turn around.”

And I turned:  and i heard, “mom, mom, I need you.”  Annissa? I woke to hear my babygirl calling out to me. I cross the hall to find my girl dancing in front of her full length mirror. “what are you doing?” i ask. “It’s for Tik Tok mom, come on.”  “OK” I say, “start from the beginning”

Treadmill talks

Sam Smith helping me get back in shape.

My treadmill has not logged much miles lately.  It’s time to make good on this purchase. I have made a commitment to walk a few miles daily.  It’s time to get reenergized.

Sam Smith just happens to be on my playlist. “Diamonds” is so touching. I feel for him.

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Caring too much

Life is hard when you care too much.

Life is hard when you feel too much.

Others know how kind your heart is and they take advantage of that kindness.

Then sees that Kindness as weakness.

Giving youself to others who only want to take what they can get from you is heartbreaking.

The trick in life is to stop.. Stop feeing guilty for the blessings that you have.  Stop feeling sorry for others that do not have.

Because in reality, they have. They would just rather  just spend your money than spend their own.

It seems that in with world.  People do not care if they are taking advantage of others as long as they get what they want.

Ask yourself, who is there for you?  If you needed something from someone else, would they be there for you?  More liklely than not, they have other things to do.  You have concern for others, yet the others have no concern for you.

It’s a trip.

It is OK to say NO.  It is OK to enjoy your blessings.  It is OK to not care.

You are not a bad person if you put yourself first.

You deserve to be kind to yourself.  You do not have to take others problems on as your own.

Believe me, they don’t care that much about you.

You

I’m sitting here thinking about inspiration

I’m sitting here wondering what’s next

I’m looking to you, expecting you to bring out my best.

You inspire my dedication, you inspire my motativation

without you I’m lacking direction.

Letting go of old hurts

Sometimes when you love yourself, you realize that holding on to old pain is pointless. The best thing to do is to let it all go once and for all. I’ve come to the fork in the road that  demands that I let go of all the shit that I’ve been through in the past.  It means that I have to take an honest look at the people in my life that has not been there for my best interest and to finally let them go.  And I have. It might have taken years for me to get to the point that I realize that some people hang around not because they have any concern for me, but because they want to keep tabs on me.  It makes them feel better about themselves to think that they may still have some small hold on me.  Guess what?  You have no hold on me.  You didn’t then and you don’t now.  The only difference it that I am aware of that fact now.  It is okay that some people do not like me.  I don’t like them.  There is nothing to feel guilty about. What I should have said years ago was… Fuck you!! You had no right to treat me the way that you did. I always had the right to say Fuck you!! But because I was so sweet and so nice, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  Even when you were tearing me down. Even when you participated in harassment. I was too nice to call you out.  Well guess what……. Fuck you.

Letting go of old hurts is so refreshing. Saying Fuck you is better than years of therapy.

Clouds

The storm is over

the sky is clear

Throughout the darkness

you’re still here.

My Knight.

My Light.

When things were bad

and I was sad,

you grabbed my hand and pulled me through.

I would not have made it without you.

Your strength,

Your courage,

Your love, and commitment

reached out to me when I was distant.

You are my dream come true.

I’m still here, because of You.

My Music Man

 

Adulting

Adulting is a funny thing really.  Some think that it begins at a certain age…. you know, I’m 18 years old— therefore, I’m an adult.  Some have really been “adulting” far from the “adulting” age.  Say that older child who finds him/herself  parenting a younger sibling while the real parent is out doing whatever.

The real sadness, is realizing at aged 50, that you haven’t been adulting at all.  You have been surviving and that surviving looked a lot like adulting.  But when you pull the skin back from the onion, you realized you were living on auto mode.

Stepping outside of yourself, outside of you issues, outside of your fears leaves a raw picture. It leads to open wounds, raw emotions, and fears you buried instead of facing. Once you are strong enough to face those hidden fears you have a true chance at really stating to “adult”.  It’s were you are living according to your own values.  Where you see the real you. Not the you that others tried to push off onto you. Not the fears that you developed from your past experiences. It is the You that you truly are.  And you are OK with that You.  You see your scars, your pains, your mistakes—– and you still love You.

Adulting begins when you see the real You and you love that You, and you start to take care of that You. Because, really, can anyone ever love You like you can?

Are you “Adulting” or are you on automatic?